Birthday Blues

It’s my birthday. Usually I am sad on my birthday, but I’ve done okay today. Even though I am a quarter of a century old (yikes) and want to say I feel like I have nothing to show for it. But then I can compare myself to some of my class mates and realize- well I have a job and a car, a boyfriend, a dog, a house, two degrees, my health….. maybe I do have something to show for these 25 years of being a book worm, horse loving, serial monogamist. At a second comparison, I can humbly see the things I’m missing. I don’t have the carefree attitudes a lot of them are graced with; the feeling of being young. I’m not engaged yet, or even married, which more ppl than you’d think are. I don’t have best girlfriends that are in my every other picture with tons of inside jokes. Two of my friends got married…. And as I scrolled through their wedding pic album… I just overwhelmingly realized I wasn’t in the pictures.

When did I become an outsider to my friends? Why doesn’t my supposed best friend even tell me when he’s in our hometown? Am I at fault? Are they? Is it intentional, or just happenstance? I don’t want to not see them. I don’t want to call them my old friends. I didn’t even legitimately move this time, and I still feel forgotten like I did every three years of my childhood. I never had to make friendships last this long…. I have always left. I have always had to leave. What would have happened if I would have stayed in one of those places? And what is it that makes me lose girl friends? My first thought is that it’s my fault, since I always get so latched into my relationships with boyfriends. Which then brings up the thought that maybe this time, the latching is all consuming? Is that why even my best friends don’t even bother to see what’s up… ever? Have I gone too far with this one?

Lately A has been complaining that his friends don’t ask him to do things as often and now he’s on a hold-nothing-back rush to stop that from getting worse. Is it already too late for me?

Will I be on the outside of my friendships, and my relationship, soon?

Purgatious

 The boy is applying to a new job already. He’s already had two jobs and he’s been slaving working for 6 months less time than me. I believe this job would eventually require a move. Not a far move, but a move that would most likely prevent us from seeing each other during the week. I am quite fed up with this growing up stuff. I either want to be a full blown adult with a house and a spouse and yardwork and what’s for dinner or I want to be a kid that does whatever I want, to suit myself. It’s purgatious (you like that? purgatory turned into an adjective?), this including someone in your decisions that shouldn’t-really-be-included-but-you-want-to-include-them train of thought. It has me frustrated, to say the least. Especially since the inclusiveness is one sided. A move to Texas was considered, sans my weigh in, pre this job. ‘Preciate it boyyyy.

I had off yesterday and went to the doctors. I got my first flu shot. My left shoulder is a tad numb, but nothing else to report. While waiting for the boy to come over for a dinner date, I started sanding this beast below. I’m pretty excited for how this is going to turn out! More details coming soon.